The
Economic and Financial Crimes Commission “carry” you? What’s there? It
simply means you have arrived! Whatever you do, never plead guilty! The
EFCC’s budget is not even up to N15bn, yet as a bonafide big thief worth
N25bn, you already know you can match the EFCC naira for naira.
Remember that its budget will not even be used to fight you alone, it
has to fight other big thieves like you. When broken down per capita
thief per thief, the EFCC probably has just about N100m to fight you.
Before the battle gets started, your advantage over the EFCC cannot be
over-emphasised but you must do more.
This is the time to remember you are a Christian and do not forget
that the President is a Muslim. Every political battle is a battle of
narratives before anything else, so you must make sure to sponsor
analysts to critique the President’s inclination towards only going
after thieves who are Christians. Some “oversabi” people will try to
point out to you that he is also going after Muslims but that is not
your business; your business is to focus on your agenda and spend and
spend until you believe your narrative is actually the truth. In this
game, the truth takes the shape of the glass you want it, the truth is
not absolute here. Remember to let people know that the EFCC is coming
after you because you are not from Daura. Have you not noticed that
nobody from Daura has been charged by the EFCC? So, scream until
Nigerians believe you. Let me tell you something about an average crowd,
they do not exactly care for the truth, they care for who is able to
dress their own truth best.
This is not the time to be wearing suits up and down; wear your
traditional attire. You will need to be seen as being persecuted because
of the “continued marginalisation of our people!” Who cares? It is not
your business whether there is federal character in the comity of
thieves. You will need to hire ethnic entrepreneurs whose nuisance value
amounts to political value at this time. They are the ones to organise
widows with husbands at home who just need the N1000 you pay to their
wives after a successful protest against the government for
“witch-hunting” you. I suggest you do not even use “witch-hunt” because
it has been over-used and is now faded. Don’t say, “I am being
witch-hunted,” because people will say that is all the big thieves say
when they are caught; so, you must differentiate brand from those other
thieves by saying, “I am being isolated for persecution.”
You cannot do this on your own. The easiest way to perish as a thief
in Nigeria is to try to eat alone. You eat alone, you go down alone! So,
organise some money for social media, you need people using your photo
on their profile pictures and the #FreeBigThief (replace your name with
Big Thief) hash tag will come in handy. This one is not expensive, you
can give some of those people N5,000 and you are good to go. See, spare
some money for analysts who cannot defend you directly but can scatter
the conversation so that people can no longer understand if President
Muhammadu Buhari is even fighting corruption or he is abusing human
rights. These analysts are easy to identify; just look for the people
that are quiet when people return stolen money or people who never
bother to speak about human rights when the poor are abused. They are
very loud when the conversation is about human rights and the rule of
law but only when this rule is about how it applies to big
yet-to-be-convicted thieves. Your media agenda will not be complete
without some strategically placed articles in the newspapers.
Nigeria is a complex country; you must use that complexity to your
advantage. Tweet about how you just finished hosting another student
group and some tweets showing the visit to your house by Nigerians of
other ethnic coloration does your national credibility a lot of good.
Power is nothing without control, a Nigerian politician equals to zero
without a sell-out crowd! Do not be naïve asking how to get a crowd
screaming your name. N1000 times 2,000 is just N2m. So, with N5m, you
can have a crowd of 5,000 people welcome you home on your return having
secured a N500m bail. See, no one dares a loud crowd motivated by money!
Your job is not done! You need an international agenda to do with
your local moves. You know Buhari used to be known as a dictator, all
you need now do is wear him that cap again! You should be smarter than
to think he will agree to wear such in this modern world where being a
dictator is being regarded as being the modern Mussolini. He won’t agree
to wear the cap but you can dress him in absentia. There are many
willing foreign media consultants especially in Washington and London
who will help you pen strategic, “Is Nigeria’s Buhari Really the
Born-Again Democrat He Claims To Be?” or even more direct ones like,
“Buhari Is The Reason Nigeria Is Failing!” Look, the credibility of the
author does not matter, it does matter if even in his or her own
country, the author is worth the price of two used tissue papers; what
matters is that the article is on a foreign platform. Nigerians may not
buy whatever you sell but once you package it inside a foreign attire,
we “go buy am samsam!”
Your job is still not done. To whom much is given, much is expected
so to whom Baba Daz sent too much money, much he must do, to survive the
onslaught of the law! If you do all these and you don’t get the best
lawyers, you will amount to a big fool who spent millions of naira
trying to host a party but without good food and good music. It will
only end in a disaster! Whether you are a Christian, Muslim or a mixture
of one of them and some African religion, you must know that once the
EFCC is after you for stealing, your prayer must now go straight to your
lawyer o! That prayer will of course fail if not backed by the right
billions. See, lawyers never lie; they only want to win in court.
Meanwhile, do not steal N25bn and then hire a N25,000 lawyer, you will
go to jail faster than it takes Usain Bolt to finish a 100m race and
you’d have deserved it. Because not only are you a thief, you are a
dishonourable thief! LOL. No one steals to “chop alone”, you steal most
of it for yourself; you leave some for a possible refund or where you
don’t want to be seen as a chicken that budged easily, you leave some
for all of the above.
All of these would be useless without an illness. It does not matter
that you have been hale and hearty through all your years of fruitful
stealing, an illness is your fastest route towards getting a bail and
possibly an opportunity to go see your doctors abroad. You are the only
one who needs to know your doctor is simply the person in charge of
helping to move your loot to safe havens.
By the time you do all of these, Buhari’s tenure would be closing in
on its full mandate. Who knows, the next president could even apologise
to you, return the money collected from you and even top it up with a
national award. Except of course Buhari institutionalises the war and
makes it hard for the next president to reverse the gains against
unrepentant thieves like you. You do not want that, you must begin to
identify the thief you want to run as president even now. See, uneasy
lies the head that wears a crown, your own head will carry fire!
Corruption must fight back, it needs you as a soldier! A Looting
Continua!
Posts
The
immediate past Inspector General of Police, Mr. Solomon Arase, has
condemned his successor, Ibrahim Idris’ decision to address the media,
rather than personally reach out to him over alleged ‘missing’ police
vehicles.
